Rebecca

“Heal with time”

Rebecca DiSunno and I connected through my Therapist. Rebecca used to be an art therapist at Camp Good Grief. This is the same nonprofit camp where I volunteered last summer. Rebecca is a nurse clinical specialist in child and adolescent mental health. Rebecca’s professional life has included working with children and people experiencing grief. I wanted to find out her insight.

Rebecca had an early experience of the loss of a friend in high school, as well as other personal losses in her life. Her friend in high school backed up her car and when she went to drive away hit a tree and died. It was a very sudden death. At the funeral, something that really stuck with Rebecca was that all the men were the pallbearers for the casket. In a way, it is almost a metaphor for how men carry and deal with grief in a very different way.

What does grief mean to you?

Rebecca mentions that this is a hard question to answer because there are many different forms. Recently for Rebecca, she experienced a type of anticipatory grief because her husband was quite ill and eventually passed away. Anticipatory grief is the type of grief where you're feeling the consequences before the loss actually happens but also may be helping the person who is about to leave you. Another form is traumatic grief which is unexpected grief that may be accompanied by a traumatic experience. Grief is very individual and goes along with the circumstances of when it happens.

“Grief is beyond control”

Tips for dealing with grief: First there has to be a really good listener. Another important thing for young people to note is that the intense devastating feelings lessen over time. It is very important to be gentle with yourself and do things that you enjoy. Don't feel guilty. Rebecca told me a little story about her volunteer work in Tanzania. There was a home for boys who had no family. The boys would dance as a way to release the tension and grief from their bodies. Grief can be like an ocean. The waves can constantly crash on you- this is my favorite analogy to describe the process of it.

“Grief takes up so much energy”

Rebecca talks about the exhaustion that comes with grief. Processing can take so much psychic energy that can then translate into physical fatigue. Grief is beyond control, so it's normal to be angry.

What do you think about the 5 stages of grief?

Personally, I think that there are no five proper stages; grief is constantly changing and moving with you. There is no set schedule on how you can and should feel. Rebecca believes that at the time when Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote about it, people were searching for ways to deal with grief. She was a pioneer for grief. Although Ross talks about stages, there was a misconception that you had to go through them in the way they were explained. In the long run, we all have some of those feelings, they just come and go. Today as a society we are better at knowing how to help people who are grieving.

“What you're doing is absolutely wonderful because I think that teenagers have a really hard time reaching out for help, but when it’s another teenager, it makes a huge difference.”